Funnies Pg.3
<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script> (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-47423994-1', 'fortunecity.ws'); ga('send', 'pageview'); </script> <center> <br> <div> <script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://ad.broadcaststation.net/ads/show_ad.php?width=728&height=90"></script> </div> </center> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=120 BGCOLOR="#FFCCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="0bbb7781egdyul.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="Arial" ><B>Bill's Funnies </B></FONT> <B> </B><B>| </B><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Bills Funnies "><U><B>home</B></U></A></FONT></div> <div> <A HREF="id114.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="God Bless The U.S.A."><U>God Bless The U.S.A.</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.1"><U>Funnies Pg.1</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.2"><U>Funnies Pg.2</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT>Funnies Pg.3<FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.4"><U>Funnies Pg.4</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.5"><U>Funnies Pg.5</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.6"><U>Funnies Pg.6</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.7"><U>Funnies Pg.7</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="id106.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Blonde Funnies"><U>Blonde Funnies</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="points_to_ponder.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Points to ponder"><U>Points to ponder</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="eye_chart.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eye Chart "><U>Eye Chart </U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="id110.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Play Checkers"><U>Play Checkers</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="redneck_jokes.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Redneck Jokes"><U>Redneck Jokes</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funny_pic_s_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 1"><U>Funny Pic's 1</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funny_pic_s_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 2"><U>Funny Pic's 2</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funny_pic_s_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 3"><U>Funny Pic's 3</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="e_greetings.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Send EGreetings"><U>Send E-Greetings</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="id107.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Awards"><U>Awards</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Other Site Links"><U>Other Site Links</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="contact_me.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U>Contact Me</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="headline_news.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Headline News"><U>Headline News</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=190 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> Till he fill thy mouth with laughing, and thy lips with rejoicing. Job 8:21<IMG SRC="06ba5e30.jpg" border=0 width="165" height="227" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <!-- Start Gem Sound Web Gem --> <embed src="HTMLobj-737/SURFFIN_USA.mid" autostart="true" hidden="true"> <!-- End Gem Sound Web Gem --> </div> </td> <td valign="top" height=360 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> Funnies Pg.3</div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="14844320.gif" border=0 width="68" height="50" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> <IMG SRC="1494b320.gif" border=0 width="75" height="50" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> <IMG SRC="14a44320.gif" border=0 width="68" height="50" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> <IMG SRC="14b4b320.gif" border=0 width="75" height="50" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> MOM'S LITTLE BUDDY</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>One summer evening, during a violent thunder storm, a mother was tucking her small son into bed. She was about to turn the light out when he asked with a tremor in his voice,'Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. " I can't dear, I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, " The big sissy!"</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> SKIP A DAY DIET</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> A lady who had put on quiet a few pounds went to the doctor for help in loosing the extra weight. The doctor said, " I've been having a lot of success with this new diet plan that I've been using. I want you to eat normally for two days and skip the third day. Follow this regiment for two weeks and come back in and I guarantee you will have lost at least five pounds." The lady returned in two weeks and to the doctors' amazement she had lost 26 pounds. The doctor asked," Did you follow my directions exactly?" The lady replied," yes, and I thought that I would surely die on that third day!" "From hunger", the doctor inquired? " No, from skipping" , she replied.</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> BUBBA</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Bubba was always bragging that he knew everyone. One day, his boss tired of his boasting challenged him, " O.K. Bubba, do you know Tom Crews?" "Sure", Bubba replied. " Prove it," his boss said. So they drove to Tom Crew's house, went up and knocked on the door. When the door opened, there was Tom. "Hey! Bubba. Where have you been keeping yourself? You and your friend come on in and have some lunch." After they left Tom's house Bubba said to his boss, " I can see you are still in doubt, so name someone else, I'll know them." His boss said, " O.K., Bill Clinton." Bubba said, " Oh sure, Bill and I are old school buddies. Come on and we will fly to Washington and I'll introduce you to him." So off they go. They are in a tour group at the White House when Clinton comes out of a senators office and sees Bubba. " Hey! Bubba ! Boy where in the world have you been? I only have a few minutes, you and your friend walk with me and we'll catch up on old times." As they were leaving the White House Bubba said to his boss, " You still look a little doubtful. Name someone really hard." The boss paused for a few moments and said with a smile, " The Pope !" " Oh, Sure. My family is Polish, you know. I've known The Pope since I was a small boy. Come on, we'll fly to Rome and see him." They are in the Vatican square and the Pope is scheduled to come out on the balcony and wave to the crowd. Bubba says, " This will never do. He will never be able to see us in this crowd. I know all of the guards. I'll go up and come out on the balcony with the Pope and wave." " That will be good enough, " said his boss. Sure enough when the Pope comes out, there is Bubba right beside him, waving to the crowd! When Bubba works his way through the crowd back to his boss, he finds that he has had a heart attack. Bubba ask a man standing next to his boss, who was laying on the pavement, " What in heaven's name happened to him?" " He seemed just fine until I asked him who that was on the balcony with BUBBA !!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE GATES OF HEAVEN</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This mouse dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter welcomes him at The Pearly Gates, " Come on in and take a look around and come back this evening and let me know what you think." So off exploring heaven went the little mouse. He returned at sundown to the Pearly Gates and told St. Peter, " Oh! It's beautiful, the street of gold, and the gardens and everything. It's so huge! Just one thing though, with my little short legs, I'll never get around to see all of it." St. Peter said to him, " Here's you a pair of roller skates, now go and enjoy yourself." Off zipped the little mouse on his skates. This old cat dies and is greeted by St. Peter at The Pearly gates and is told by St. peter to go look around and come back in the evening and let him know what he thought. The cat returns at sundown and St. Peter asked, " well how do you like it so far?" The old cat replied, " Oh! It is more beautiful than I ever imagined. I really like the street of gold and the gardens. But I think I like the MEALS ON WHEELS that y'all have up here the best!!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOM</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Dear Junior,</B></div> <div> <B> I am writing this real slow because I know you don't read very fast. Since you left home we have moved because Papa read in the paper that 96% of all accidents happen within 10 miles of home so we moved 11 miles down the holler. I can't give you the address because the folks that live here before us took the house numbers because they didn't want to change addresses. It's a real nice place. It has a washing machine. I'm not sure that it works just right. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. Your sister had a baby last week and I don't know if it's a boy or a girl so I can't tell you if you are an aunt or an uncle. Cousin Cletus fell in the liquor vat at the still last week. Three of the men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Junior locked his keys in the truck yesterday. We were getting real worried because it took him almost two hours to get me and your father out. I am sending your heavy coat . Your Uncle Darrel said that it would be too heavy to mail with those big buttons on it, so I cut them off and put them in the pocket. You can sew them back on when you get it. The weather here is real nice. It only rained twice last week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. Some of your buddies were in a wreck yesterday.They ran their pick up off of the river bridge. Butch was driving and was able to roll down the window and swim out. The three that were in the back drowned because they couldn't get the tail gate open. Eugene was at the dump and found a piece of pipe that had a water faucet on one end. He brought it home and drove it up in the front yard so people would think we have plumbing now. I'm not real sure that I've got your address exactly right, so if you don't get this letter please write back and let me know.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Love,</B></div> <div> <B> Mama</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed up.</B></div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> WOMAN'S WORK</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and </B></div> <div> <B>it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until </B></div> <div> <B>they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "Hello, is this the FBI?"</B></div> <div> <B> "Yes. What do you want?"</B></div> <div> <B>"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding</B></div> <div> <B> marijuana inside his firewood."</B></div> <div> <B> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."</B></div> <div> <B> The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They </B></div> <div> <B> search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every </B></div> <div> <B> piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.</B></div> <div> <B> The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.</B></div> <div> <B> "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"</B></div> <div> <B> "Yeah!"</B></div> <div> <B> "Did they chop your firewood?"</B></div> <div> <B> "Yep."</B></div> <div> <B> "Merry Christmas Buddy"</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> FINAL EXAM</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. </B></div> <div> <B>They were so confident going into the final that two days </B></div> <div> <B>before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee </B></div> <div> <B>and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, </B></div> <div> <B>they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the </B></div> <div> <B>morning of the exam.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Rather than take the final, they found their professor </B></div> <div> <B>afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him </B></div> <div> <B>that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the </B></div> <div> <B>weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but </B></div> <div> <B>that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a </B></div> <div> <B>spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were </B></div> <div> <B>late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this </B></div> <div> <B>over and told them they could make up the final on the </B></div> <div> <B>following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that </B></div> <div> <B>night and went in the next day for the final. The professor </B></div> <div> <B>placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test </B></div> <div> <B>booklet and told them to begin. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. </B></div> <div> <B>It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going </B></div> <div> <B>to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. </B></div> <div> <B>Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Using The Elevator</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from</B></div> <div> <B> their home in the East Tennessee Smokies. One day the man said to</B></div> <div> <B> his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure</B></div> <div> <B> would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in</B></div> <div> <B> the city before I die." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four</B></div> <div> <B> years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son</B></div> <div> <B> to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all</B></div> <div> <B> piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just</B></div> <div> <B> wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right</B></div> <div> <B> place." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and</B></div> <div> <B> gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains,</B></div> <div> <B> polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most</B></div> <div> <B> amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched</B></div> <div> <B> the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and</B></div> <div> <B> off. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the</B></div> <div> <B> elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got</B></div> <div> <B> on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed</B></div> <div> <B> some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old,</B></div> <div> <B> green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the</B></div> <div> <B> lounge. The son looked at his dad. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git</B></div> <div> <B> yer Ma !" </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Senior Driver</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. </B></div> <div> <B> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I </B></div> <div> <B> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. </B></div> <div> <B> Please be careful!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> OPERATOR 28</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"</B></div> <div> <B> She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."</B></div> <div> <B> He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party. She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."</B></div> <div> <B> He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping</B></div> <div> <B> guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."</B></div> <div> <B>He says, "Vy?"</B></div> <div> <B>They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."</B></div> <div> <B> He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28?</B></div> <div> <B> Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"</B></div> <div> <B> She says, "Yes?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!" </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17110100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> JOG MY MEMORY</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in</B></div> <div> <B> back.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and</B></div> <div> <B> had the best meal ever. Good prices too."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the</B></div> <div> <B> restaurant?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. </B></div> <div> <B>What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Sam says, "How about rose?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last</B></div> <div> <B> night?" </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <A HREF="funnies_pg_4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.4"><U><B><IMG SRC="4ea64200.gif" border=0 width="100" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>